This letter is to my Mum and all the mothers out there.
For the mothers who mostly get it right and the mothers who never seem to quite be able to get it together. Mothers who have lost theirs through death or through relational heartache. To mothers who have given up dreams, or were never afforded them. To mothers who did it alone. To mothers who stayed home. To the mothers who weren't ready. To mothers who are addicts or alcoholics. To mothers who cared. To the ones who couldn't... YOU ARE LOVED.
I want you to know that even though I don't have children of my own I have had the opportunity to see from a very unique place what it takes to be a mother. Still, without kids of my own at 40, I have lived a life that will never know the heartache, the pain, the guilt, the hatred, the love, the loss or the feeling of being a Mum.
Thank you for your love and sacrifice.
Mum, I went on a journey for 15 years, living oceans apart and travelled the world and at 40, I am grateful to have you back in my life. You are a survivor. And you have imparted the most valuable lessons in life on 4 whacky kids.
Know that my rigidity is caused by feeling things out to ensure we have the healthiest relationship possible. I have have healed the generational fukkery causing you so much pain and suffering in your life time, so that you and I could be close like we were once again.
Be patient as I find softer lines. The work I have put in over the years has me in a strong place to navigate this new path with you. You can relax, Ive got this now.
I hope you will see who I have become and to know how I have grown and changed. I was the kid who learned from you the importance of love, kindness and compassion for others. You gave me the safety of knowing I could ‘be’ me, and so much more. I knew I could never fail in your eyes. Though it is important to fail, to know how to and to be humble...to know there is one place in this world I would never be a failure was a gift many aren't afforded.
You Mum set the very foundation in which I was to live from as I became a person we can both love and be proud of. I have been wondering what I could do for you as a gift that would be special, that would make up for the missed moments. What could be more so, then knowing how your weirdest kid became a successful, loving, giving and compassionate human. I can say for sure it’s been a ride.
I have missed having you for all this time and I have 15 years of stories, growth, suffering, wins and losses I want to catch you up on.
I am rigid in part because I want to hold you in this place for now because you are, my Mum. Not because I am a child, or want to be, but because I want you to see who your daughter has become. To truly be proud of the daughter you raised. To feel at peace knowing you did alright, but more importantly that we are alright.
As we move forward, I do with you by my side. Thanks Mum.
Mum, To you and to all the other Mum’s you are not your fuck ups, your past or your mistakes or trauma. To all the Mum’s, Thank you.
For all the kids who don’t see you. Who don’t see the struggle. For the kids who do, and aren’t the best at expressing it. For the kids who are still suffering from the wounds of generational fuckery handed down. For the kids who are still angry, who struggle to heal, to see and move forward - you are loved, and I forgive you.
It doesn’t matter what I do though, it is ya’ll who need to forgive yourselves. I can never know what it is to be a Mum. That shit is SO big I opted out consciously at 34. What I do know, is even when you are right, you are wrong…and that is a bloody tough gig.
Lots of love,
From a kid that grew up
2022